Okay, before you roll your eyes and walk away from this rant because you’ve read a gazillion rants and reviews by Edward’s boner-biting fans or the haters, - this is not a hate or love rant. Can you believe it? In fact, if you keep reading, you’ll find my real hate for the series.
Before I begin, I’d like to set the record straight. I don’t like Twilight. I have my reasons; in fact, I have many. I don’t plan on reading the books unless someone is willing to lend me them for free, and preferably when I don’t have something better to do. Like coursework, perhaps. My reasons are thus:
1. It is sexist. Bella is a “typical woman” who happens to cook and clean a lot, and falls in love (very quickly, might I add) with a vampire, who is supposed to be sexy (Robert Patterson, I’m sorry, but you really did look constipated throughout that whole movie).
Constipation in Science class One.
Constipation in Science class Two.
And that was just the Science class scene!
2. It calls love “neglect” and “abuse”. It’s not a romantic story at all, yet I know many people who swoon over the “happy couple” as if it was real. If my partner punched me across the room to “protect me”, they’ll become an ex-partner. If my partner went away for a long time without contacting me, it’ll hurt, but again – ex-partner. He treats her like booty-call, except without the sex part, because he doesn’t want sex.
3. Not wanting sex isn’t a bad thing. But Edward’s reason is ridiculous. He won’t have sex with Bella until he turns her into a vampire, and won’t turn her into a vampire until they are marred. What? You know, that’s seriously messing up someone’s life – he’ll be taking away her life to give her eternal life (which is something that I don’t think anyone needs – Bella looks depressed just being alive, and Edward looks depressed being somewhat dead), and then wants to claim her as his own by sticking a ring on her finger.
4. It’s stupid. “I’m a vampire with super-speed powers, and I sense that my girlfriend is in trouble! OH NOES! I’ll just take the car around to her place!” -_-;
5. Vampires don’t sparkle in sunlight. They’re engulfed in flames, melt into a pile of steaming blood and guts, and scream curses hoarsely.
6. Combining reason 4 and 5, and many other scenarios, Twilight is incredibly unrealistic.
7. Twilight made me hate vampires... except for True Blood.
8. The fans. My GOD. Edward is NOT REAL, and he’ll NEVER LOVE YOU.
Finally, we get to this stage. My ultimate hate... is the people who hate Twilight with a passion*.
I don’t like Twilight, but I don’t make every single day about my hate for it, or overreact when I see the books in the store, or a billboard or trailer for the films. No, your day wasn’t made worse because of a new trailer or book release, and touching/looking at it will not kill you. A small paper-cut around a hungry vampire will though (couldn't resist).
I actually wanted to read Twilight once, and a friend literally screamed and ranted about how silly I was for wanting to. I only wanted to read it because they’d spent the last however long ranting about how shit it was, and I wanted to feed my curiosity. I felt stupid for wanting to read it, and so the desire to read Twilight left me... but I watched the films out of curiosity. Heh.
No one is asking the haters to read the books, or watch the films. Yet they do anyway because, you know, they either want a 1) ego boost; 2) to feel better about their fan-fiction (which in turn gives them an ego boost); 3) to write a rant like hundreds and thousands of people already have done (which in turn gives them an ego boost because they feel like they fit in with the rest of the worlds Twilight haters); 4) because they want to write a better rant/review than their friend; 5)because they secretly like it, and don’t want their friends to find out.
Also, their rants are exhausting. Every single sentence of the book is carefully analysed to pick out the raw details, and hidden meanings that probably only exist in the mind of the analyser. “OMDZ, BELLA TOOK OVER FROM HER DAD IN THE KITCHEN AND CALLED HIM A DISTATER - SEXISM BECAUSE SHE IS FEMALE, AND HE IS A MAN (no shit)! ANTI-FEMINSIT!” Umm... Bella’s dad might actually be shit in the kitchen, and might have lived off microwave meals before Bella turned up. I’m a woman, and I know how to cook – does that make my brother sexist when I take over in the kitchen when he needs help or makes a mess of things?
... Nope. o.O;
I know someone who wants Stephanie Meyer dead. That’s harsh. She’s a bad author with a few issues – is death the answer to that? The books will still exist, the movies will still exist, the graphics will still exist, and the imprint Twilight has left on the souls of silly/horny teenagers (and adults) will still exist. In fact... like all famous deaths, hers most likely will only make her wealthier.
The people who hate Twilight make themselves fans of Twilight. They live and breathe it like the fans, and can’t stop themselves reading or watching it like the fans. They just have a different take on it.
*I don’t hate the people, just what they’re doing. I have and have had friends who are haters, and they’re really lovely people. Just hating on something that much is life draining; for both them, and the person who has to listen to it.
I hope it was enjoyable. Should have been better than my Sabriel review. Maybe I’ll see you again?
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